When the real me comes out of the closet

Time for an update.

Lets start with MyCub, we are now friend as stated earlier, he disappeared for a while and popped up every now and again as his sparkling old self, so nothing really changed. I do miss him, but I also miss all my other friends. I’m also trying to set it up so Hag1 can hag him. He needs a good hag and she would be perfect. She is mature, but still lively and outgoing and I know she will look after him. We spoke a lot the last few days and I was very happy for that, needed it to know that he is okay with us being friends. I definitely do not want him out of my life. (I also did something stupid and awesome before leaving Stellenbosch, that I am keeping as a surprise for him, more on this later).

TheJew came for a vacation-week visit to Mossel Bay after Christmas. I loved it and I think he also liked it. He now met most of my crazy family and survived… We also discovered that we are like a married couple. We bicker, bitch and moan at each other when alone, act civilised then with people one of us don’t really know, do not have sex, and are not monogamous, all we need is the rings (I wonder if cockrings count…). It is his birthday today (or do the Jews call that something else? Hehe) so happy Brit Milah TheJew, oh wait that’s only in 8 days, so HAPPY Bday!

I am at this stage waiting for the results of my thesis, I will return to Stellenbosch for that (and Jool now called MAD²) at the end of the month. I also need to present my thesis to my department. I still haven’t started working on my presentation… Till then I am in Mossel Bay, living in the house and room I grew up in. I love being back, but now the Gautengers are leaving so the hot boys are becoming less and I miss the city. I also don’t really have internet, which is pissing me off! Telkom or rather Hellkom is taking a year!

With the little internet I have (TheMaternalUnit 3G stick) I am trying to find a job. So far there is nothing in Cape Town, but a few in Gauteng, though not very good one’s. I have a feeling that my Capetonian dream might not work out.

I have also decided to not try for any relationship till I have a job and are moved into a place. That may sound like a DUHHHH (insert Drawn Together DUHH face and sound) move, but after I found out what love might feel like, I would really like it again. After years of passively experiencing it via friends, movies and series, actually experiencing it first hand was amazing and I want it again, but this time, my situation must allow for it. Till then the shop to what is left of my heart is closed.

Ok that’s enough for today. More to come.

Happy new year to all my friends, family, acquaintances and readers. May 2012 be full of adventure, love and success.

Dear MyCub

First of all, thank you for the awesome time the last 2 months. I know we weren’t boyfriends, but we were definitely more than friends. It was a sad day saying goodbye. It wasn’t a goodbye, because I would not see you again (because I will make sure I see you again), but a goodbye to the relationship that was. And it was a “hello” to a friendship based on a lot of love.

We will always have our memories, they will probably mean more to me than to you, but like you always say, everything we do, we do for ourselves in some way orr another. So I want to thank you for a few things:
Thank you for the late night chats on BBM. I hope we can still have that, even though you never have your phone on you (or even just on…).
Thank you for the late night cigarettes. The hour of distraction from my thesis and the support that gave me. I don’t think you will ever understand how much that meant to me.
Thank you for the kiss on that bridge in die laan. I know that as someone in the closet that took guts.
Thank you for the night you had coffee at my house. If was fantastic! ;-D
Thank you for the kiss in the library.
Thank you for going to see LinuxLady’s exhibition with me. I really enjoyed that.
Thank you for the flash drive full of weird and wonderful music and exposing me to your world, tot your thoughts and your feelings.
Thank you for making me so happy just to be with you that night we went for a pick nick in the park, that I cried. I know you liked that night too, because we only smoked 1 cigarette that night and held each other for what seemed like hours. Thank you for letting me feed you condensed milk soaked strawberries.
Thank you for making the time to come see me so that we could talk about the next step in our relationship. It gave me closure and helped me deal with this much better. I really hope you like your christmas and bday prezies. Hope it makes you think of me every now and again.
And lastly, thank you for showing me that I am able to love, able to feel eros, not just phillia. Yes I have grown to love you, and it is ok that you do not feel the same, you said that you really like me and that is good enough for me. You have opened my eyes to a whole new me, to a range of feelings that I have only felt in the people around me.
I will miss keeping an eye out for spots to make out where no one will see us. I will miss holding hands under the table. I will miss the feeling of my cheek on your hairy chest and the feeling of our beards ribbing together. But most of all I will miss your kiss.
You are a good guy, and will break many hearts. In my heart I will always hope that your heart will find mine far in the future and that we might end up together, but who know what the future brings.
I miss you a lot and will always be there for you, for anything! You mean a great deal to me and I hope that our friendship will grow stronger than ever.

Lots of love (pillia and eros)
Your queery
P.s. May orion always “point” the way.

I thought I should do a quick update.

My supervisor for my MSc thesis apparently did not know that I am moving to Mossel Bay end of November. I have to hand in my thesis to be sent to the external examiner on the 15th of Dec. I would have handed in my thesis for review by my Co-Supervisor on the 15th of November, but I am laging behind and thus the date was moved up to the 22nd. She then has 2 weeks to go though it and make suggestions. In that time I will be doing things like writing my abstracts (yes 2 of them, one in afrikaans and one in english), making sure my reference list is proper and, of coarse, MOVING TO MOSSEL BAY. Thing is I wanted to have a “going away party” on the 17th, since MyCub is leaving for home on the 18th-ish and that would be the last time I see him till well he comes and visits me in Mossel Bay over December (yes I got him to agree to come visit me ).

Speaking of MyCub. We have sort of figured out what our relationship is in so called straight terms. It’s a summer fling… kinda. We are more than friends and less than boyfriends. I must say that my timing really sux! He would have been a perfect boyfriend if he was 1-2 year older (no age doesn’t matter, but he is new to the scene and thus don’t want to and shouldn’t at this stage, be restrained by a long term relationship) and if I was still a student next year. Think back to when you were 19, coming out and how everything was new and exciting. One can’t expect someone like that to be stuck in a relationship.

Since I have so little time left with him, I have been trying to tap every moment with him. Though scared that I would scare him off or overwhelm him, I try to check every now and again with him if I am overwhelming him. I believe that the best relationships are built not only on trust but good communication. It’s weird but the thing we talk about mostly actually is music and that is one of the things we don’t have in common, our taste in music.

At the moment with the thesis dragging me under water, he is the only thing keeping me breathing. He is redonkey-ously bad with a phone though. He is an introvert so he can leave his phone in his room for a weekend and never check it. I chat to him 2-3 times a day on BBM. the rest of the time i send him “status updates”, like what I’m doing and thinking. He kinda likes it, I think… but there are those times I really want him to answer and he just doesn’t… like asking him to come and have lunch with me.

Anyway, I have a few things I still have to do with him before I leave Stellenbosch, the one it to get a kiss in Die Laan. It’s a Maties tradition that to be a Matie you have to 1) fail a subject (sleep ‘n vak), 2) an acorn needs to fall on your head (akker moet op jou kop val) and 3) you have to make out with someone in Die Laan (Soen in Die Laan).

Now all i need is #3 so this is a must. The rest I am not going to elaborate on here right now.

In other news. ThePianoMan has suddenly left the country for 3 months to sell tech in Sub-Saharan Africa… It was quite a surprise. I will thus only see him in Feb. I’m really gonna miss him!

Good news gang! I got a interview with a molecular diagnostics supply company for the position of product specialist. The company is based in Cape Town so please hold every finger on Monday that the interview goes well.

I really want a job in Cape Town and this seems like a really awesome one.

Let me get back to work….

Lets start with how I have been. The sort answer can be given in one word. THESIS! I have been writing for months and feel like I haven’t gotten anywhere. It has to be handed to my co-supervisor by about the 11th of Nov, and then corrected sent to the external examiners by end of November.

The whole family will be leaving behind Stellenbosch, and moving back to Mossel Bay. Paternal Unit has contract work will about April, the Maternal Unit has recently heard of a job opening at her previous company, in her old department and TheBitch will need to find a job as a dominee. I will have to do the corrections on my thesis in January and my defence, thus will need to spend some time in Stellenbosch. Hopefully some of my friends here will help me out with a rug to lie my body on. From December I will also be trying to find a job, and hopefully in Cape Town, if possible, in Stellenbosch, though I need to get away from this place. I have been here 8 years.

My thesis is just keeping me really busy, I don’t really have time to even see my friends. And I really miss them! I try to make some time, but it’s really hard.

Ok now on to what you actually want to hear. ThePiano man is awesome. We went on the date and spoke for hours about all sorts of shit. I had a lot of fun. He is very cute, about as tall as I am, same age, and going a bald. I love his build… He has a scruffy look to him and is adorable. We then went to the place he was staying stayed up till like 4am, and I slept over. Had the best cuddles in age! we saw each other again a few times and later had the “where is this going?” talk. He just broke up a few months ago with a guy. They did not have the best of relationships but he did love him and they were together for something like 7 years. So he has a lot to deal with at this stage, and is not ready for a relationship. We are now becoming really good friends.

Well that did not stop me and neither will my thesis. I met this guy at a party, MyCub, but didn’t hook up right away. We started chatting on BBM for a while, at first all friendly and then later it got more… personal. He is 19, though very mature and looks older than he is. I can’t call him cute, but he is. He is this hot cub (but is not at all overweight) with a rugby 8th man build, but a bit smaller and a hairy chest. Longish dark hair and is a bit taller than I am. These perfect supple red lips on a cute skew smile and he is always barefoot. *queery wipes the drool of his face*

Anyway… so last night we went for a drink that turned into dinner that turned into me making out with him under Red light. IT WAS HOT! I think we said 3 times that we need to go and then started kissing again and forgot about time, we were standing in the same spot making out for about 1h30.

After taking him back to his Rez (yea rez…) I went to cool off at Benedetto’s be fore going home. Later when I was already in bed, he asked the ”where is this going?” question. Kudos to him for that. We discussed it and since he is still closeted in res and and, and I don’t know what is going to happen after December, we decided to be friends. Though I am allowed to hold his hand, under the table, at mystics…

So yes, im still single and jobless and well, lets face it, horny (thesis writing increases testosterone levels…), but I’m making awesome friends.

For those of you who tried to reach me or my blog since Friday, im sorry but my DNS service decided to stop their free service so MrMetro and MacTall (new good gay geek friend) sorted it out!

Thanx guys

Just a quick followup past. Short and sweet….

Mr. Green is in a relationship. Thou I don’t think that he would have gone for me anyway.

I gave up on Significant even before I started and TheJew (will tell you about him later, good friend) kinda took over and also gave up.

LOUD, is still loud and proud, and since we are both very honest and straight to the point people we agreed that he is not into me and are becoming really good friends.

Nu’Guy is also seeing someone for the last 2 weeks. It’s kinda weird since the guy he is seeing had a Long term/distance relationship just 3 weeks ago with a guy in america.

But alas, I do have a date tonight with The Piano Man. More info if this works out.

Im not stopping to think, it leads thoughts…

Soon I promise…

This will be my first post from my BlackBerry so please excuse all the mistakes.

Since the last post was kind off sad and dreary I decided its time for one of “those” posts again. And I will start it like I always do:

So there are these guys… Yes this time its plural… Accept for JuJu there are 4 other guys I recently started to take a liking to. All of them very intelligent and 3 of them studying at Stellenbosch, which is weird for me. Usually I never dated or took interest in the stellenbosch crowd for 2 reasons. 1) I was on the comm of the LGBTI student society and 2) most of them where anyway “out of my league”. But now I am a simple member of Lesbigay and I seriously need to stop worrying about leagues. The other guy I met online (in a way) and lives in Cape Town.
I will not be discussing them in to much detail here, cause I know 2 have read my blog and one has my blog’s like (though I’m not sure if he would check it out).

Let’s start with the Capetonian. Really, really cute and well built, which is kinda why I don’t really think he is into me. Now what to call him to not give it all away… Mr. Green

Now for the Stellenboschers. Let’s start with “Significant” (hope that doesn’t give it away). Strange character and not really my type, but cute in a more scrawny, nerdy way. I have kind of already organised that we will have a “date”. We shell see how that turns out.

Then there is LOUD. Yes he is loud and proud and knows who he is and I love that about him. He is really quite tall and has broad shoulders, and has a wicked sense of humor. Again I have no idea if he likes me or not.

Nu’Guy hasn’t been in stellies very long. He is also built big, broad shoulders, cute glasses. He is a hard worker. And actually a afrikaans ou, and really sweet and I can tell he has a really small and soft hart. Not sure how he feels about me, but he is super cute.

I have never been able to know if someone that I like, likes me. I could always see who is checking who out in a crowd or who is crushing on someone, but when it comes to the guys I like, the signals get jammed. Not only that, I have no idea how to take that step… I am great with placing people in the friend-zone. I can make the best friends in seconds, but have no idea how to get a bf. My first bf was an accident. The second and third fuckups where from online sites, at least there you know you want at least sex and maybe a relationship. But getting “new friends” to actually start a relationship…

Then my biggest problem, father time. Yes time has always been a bitch. And she loves to bite you in the ass. Since in writing up my thesis, I don’t have time to put effort into a new relationship and a new relationship will take a lot off effort and time. Not even to mention the fact that I don’t know where I’ll be in 3 months (though that was how long my longest relationship was)

So what’s your suggestions, how should I approach them if at all and how do I read/test them?

I guess it’s time to blog again. Flux has already shouted at me on twitter to update.

At the moment I am suppose to be writing my theses. but I have a cold and am really struggling to concentrate so I thaught I might as wel use this time to spill what is on my mind on my blog (as usual).

Many things have been bugging me lately. Because I am writing up, I do not have time to start a new relationship, the other problem is that in a few months I need to find and start a job. This job could be anywhere. It might not even be in the Western Cape. So that makes a new relationship very difficult. This of course does not stop me from making new friends an buddies. The problem is that many of these buddies are really nice and would make fantastic partners and every now and then life has a way of telling me that even though I want to wait till I’m more stable, it is going on.

I meet this guy, Mr. Jet, who intrigued me a lot. He was kind of not my type at all, skinny, no degree to his name, form jhb and still in the closet, but at the same time, funny, witty, gentle and a man’s-man. So the deprived person I am fell for him. we only met once. I was working late in the lab (like till 2/3am) and at about 12 I got a message saying that he was on his way back from Franshoek and wanted to meet me in person. He came to the lab and we talked for hours and in the end I did kiss him in a parking lot. He lived in CT so we kept contact via email and SMS and became friends. It’s quite strange how much you can share with someone and how much they can share back just by talking for an hour or 3.

Yesterday was my birthday and I was having a “get together” and wanted to invite him, but on Tuesday morning 10:27 SAST I got a message from Mr.Jet’s phone (which was his work phone) from a colleague informing me that Mr.Jet has taken his own life the previous night. I met this kid once, chatted to him a few times, was just starting to get to know him… How am I suppose to feel about this. This was a friend, but we weren’t very close, we only met once, but still I feel like I connected. I can’t find out more about him or the circumstances surrounding his death, because 1) I don’t know anyone who knows him, 2) who am I to ask any way and 3) he was closeted. So yes life has a way of showing us that every second counts, that every relationship should mean something, every kiss could be the last with.

This is the second guy I like and wanted to get to know, who is dead. It also puts me in a weird place with some of my friends. JuJu, a 1st year friend I made this year is very cute. He knows I like him and I know he likes me, but he is scared of starting a relationship with me, because of the fact that I might leave in about 2 months. It would also be his first relationship and his idea of his first relationship is where he gets broken up with and gets badly hurt. Most people can’t understand this but I also understand that. I didn’t believe that for my first relationship, but I do still want that relationship where if the guy leaves me I would be broken and cry for days. I still like the kid and I find myself many times either stopping myself from planting a kiss on him or just holding that hug just a bit longer.

In my life I have only been to 3 funerals that was directly linked to me. Two was my grate grandmothers, the other was a friend of mine that passed away during my matric year after being in a car accident. I have never really been very aware of death larking in the corner, not only creeping up on me but also on the people I love! I am curious how I will feel though. I really don’t know. I don’t think I am ready for something like this at all. At the moment I am making new friends by the day and when I make friends they are quite strong bonds. But what if I’m just setting myself up to get hurt or worse, I don’t feel anything if they do leave for the farm…

On a lighter note. I had an awesome birthday! Accept for the fact that I woke up with a cold…

Feel free to comment

At the end of December I posted about DJTech’s Bachelors,

well the musketeer fell on 2 April 2011. I would just like to congratulate both of them of a spectacular event and also wish them an awesome lifetime together.

The ceremony was at a little church in Blouberg, it was very nice and quaint, it was also the first time in years I was in a church. I though candles would catch alight the moment I stepped into the church. After the ceremony we did the whole pictures thing even a few on the beach. It was so nice… I really think those pics are gonna come out stunning. Big ups to the photographer! Even Fur-Face looked snazy even though he decided to wear white socks.

After that we moved to the Two Oceans Aquarium, we where a bit early so in true Mr.Metro fashion, he suggested we went for a drink at the nearest bar. Little-Fur (son of Fur-Face) here decided to splash a bit in the ponds and got him good and wet. He is so cute, I so need to get me one!

At the reception everything looked great. We where set up at the predator tank and it was amassing. Keep in mind I have not been there since I was about 12. I had to make the speech on the groom from the 3 of us since the other 2 where pissies. We eat like kings and really enjoyed ourselves. At about 10:45 the Bride and Groom made their way to their bridal bed and we mad our way to our beds (leaving the poor brides maids to clean up alone, oops).

It was a fun day, lots of smiles and happiness. I really hope to one day have it too. One of my biggest fears in life is that love is a chemical in the brain, and that after a while the receptors gets saturated and the effect goes away. But these guys give me hope, and so does the ParentalUnit. My dad is at the moment working in Mossel Bay, my mom is here in Stellenbosch and even though they fight a lot at the moment because of the financial stress I can still see that they love each other. I really hope I can find my penguin mate…